Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Ugly Truth

I'm cranky. Have been all week. Tired of studying, tired of struggling to grasp this language. Not sure when it started exactly and am not sure it matters, I just know that I need to get out of this mood. As I sit to write this I should be in bed or at the very least studying but........I thought purging on the blog might help me process some of what I am feeling (my, my, aren't you the lucky reader! :)

Maybe this is culture shock, maybe it is homesickness, maybe it's being a wife to my husband and mother to my four kids in a foreign land, attending language school, while my kids attend school, and we all come home with homework!! I'm just thinking"out loud" here people, work with me! :)

Why is it you can be surrounded by blessings and still only see what you don't have? That ticks me off! Seriously, don't you get sick of yourself sometimes? You think you'd be past it but no, that old nature comes creeping around and makes you a miserable person! Reminds me of Paul, "I do what I don't want to do....don't do what I want to do..". I told Barry the other day, I just need to get out and go to the mall, he said which one and I said, "Quail Springs!" (in OK) Haha I was having a moment where I just wanted to go somewhere where it would be easy. No scrambling for words to have a conversation, no endless walking to try to find out where things are that you need. A place where I know what to do, and how to do it, and can read the packages and tags while I'm doing it!!! By the way, this is the part where I admit that sometimes I regret buying the book "Do Hard Things" for Marshall because then I have to practice what I preach! How can I teach him while my heart is yearning for the easy things? Not a pretty picture is it?

Here's where reality hits. One of my favorite sayings is that I am "pro-rapture"! Every since I was a little girl and our pastor would do Rapture Drills (where you crouch down and then jump up when he yelled "Rapture!", it was SO fun) I have looked forward to it. Anyway, when things are a little rough and life gets hard I feel very pro-rapture, as if to say, "I'm ready come get me." The kicker is, I had that thought just yesterday, and then immediately after thinking that, I heard the call 2 pr*yer for the cousins. Uh huh, you guessed it......CONVICTION! While I am ready for the rapture, I am living in a country with multiple millions who are not.....OUCH!! Never did like spankings!! :)

So, here I sit in the quietness of my temporary home (in more ways than one) and ask you to please pr*y for us. Pr*y for me. Pr*y that I will not let the difficulties that I may face defeat me. That I will remember what was sacrificed for me and be willing to sacrifice in return. That I would remember if not me, then who? I must cling to the words in the Manual for life and draw upon the strength of the CEO, who is faithful to complete the work he has started.

I CAN learn this language because I was called to be here, I know this.....I just need to remember it! Although my own feelings are, hmm, how can I express my own feelings....oh yeah, that I would rather walk across a bed of rusty nails than give a presentation in class or write another essay, I cannot rely on my own feelings. They are fickle and silly and will lead my heart astray if I give into them.

Thanks for, and for pr*ying. They do more work than you will ever know this side the pearly gates!! Here's to "doing hard things"! Wow, I feel so much better, it's always good to sit and talk with a friend! :) So maybe tomorrow will be better and I won't be so discouraged when my Pelatih empties out his red pen as he corrects my essay! Well, a girl can dream can't she? By the way, what "hard things" should you be doing? Just a thought! Gotta keep you on your toes! :)


kirstin hesskew said...

I long for Quail Springs too !!! Oh, to be able to clearly ask for what you want.........and then get it!!!
Thanks for sharing !! I'm going to talk with Dad now for you.

The Gereckes said...

Thanks for makes me feel better about when I just have to do it too. I totally understand where you're at...and my papers look eerily similar to your too...different language, but same amount of red :) Anyway, hang in there...I know you guys are going to do SUCH great things! Love and miss you!

Zimms Zoo said...

hmm...keep us on our toes or step on our toes? :0)

I jsut started a ladies study that is called me, myself, and lies. It is all about what is in our thought closets and what we tell ourselves all day long. There is Word after Word to tell me that what I tell myself is measuring up to the CEO's standard. I know that right now you are telling yourself things that aren't true!

Look in the mirror and repeat after me. "I am a beautiful women who is so blessed to be sharing with others and I know that this is my assignment. And I know that chocolate fixes everything."

Don't you feel better now?

We will continue to talk to the CEO on your behalf.